To be loved

What to do when you can’t sleep? Write about it.

I don’t know why these thoughts are flooding my head but perhaps it’s because I feel overwhelmed by them. I can’t process them without exhaling them. There will always be times in life that are both good and bad, both toxic and healthy. Times that are so black and white in their resolution to others but murky and confusing to the bearer of them.

How many times does it take someone telling you that you could never make someone happy before you believe it? Once. That your depression means all you ever have to offer anyone is misery? Once.

It takes one time for that seed to be planted; a seed which continues to grow throughout your life no matter what your strength or resilience may be. It’s not weakness to admit that you feel weakened by something or someone, nor does it have the power to label you damaged. Strength comes in many forms, sometimes strength is simply realising what no longer serves you, no matter how much you don’t want to let go. Fear is our weakness; when we act out of fear we don’t truly give ourselves the opportunity to be strong. An opportunity to explore what true, uncompromising happiness could be if we allowed ourselves to feel deserving of it again.

We are consistently told that WE have the power over our happiness and emotions. But that’s BS, what about times when you’re sucked so deep into a hole of a relationship that you can’t even distinguish which emotions are yours or theirs anymore? The times you were gaslighted into believing you felt something that you didn’t, or that caused you to question and blame yourself? These are the crucial times when you don’t have the power. Someone else is in control of your happiness. It’s suffocating. Confusing. Draining. And on top of that with reference to this notion then we are told to hold ourselves accountable. We are responsible for our happiness and therefore we must be the problem?

No wonder we all feel so inadequate.

I refuse to lower my expectations, dreams and ideals in order to fit into somebody else’s plan. That is self-worth, and that is something that I’m happy to hold myself accountable for in the future. I would only feel to blame if I were to go through this again, because in life I will never have regrets as long as every shitstorm at least brings with it a lesson. We aren’t perfect. Nobody is. But that doesn’t mean you are to blame for emotional abuse. You’re not to blame because you were receptive to it, and you’re not weak because you were crushed into a million pieces by it.

Love is a problematic word for me. Not the notion. Not the feeling. Not the romance. The word itself. The word that can be used to manipulate and conquer a person. The word that we are brainwashed to feel grateful to hear from an early age. What does that then mean we are willing to put up with as long as that person is telling us that they ‘love’ us? That they ‘love’ us more than anyone ever has or will? We need to change the narrative to seek the feeling and actions that we refer to as ‘love’ rather than the word. Like ‘yes please sir, destroy my confidence on the daily, as long as it’s because you LOVE me!’ How lucky I must be?! No.

I’m sure to many people reading this, ‘gaslighting’ is just another term that our ‘snowflake generation’ has manufactured in order to perpetuate having something to complain about. If that’s you, then I’m happy for you. I’m relieved your understanding is so limited because that must mean you haven’t experienced it. However, the more we talk about things, the more we force ourselves to be uncomfortable by being so open; the less alone a person may feel.

In a world where mental health illnesses are arguably more prevalent and fatal than ever, it is our responsibility to educate ourselves on others’ struggles, even if we don’t understand or can’t relate to it. Knowledge is power. Neglecting to better understand these issues, is neglecting to hold value for a life.