So I tend to go through phases with social media, particularly Instagram. Now, this isn’t me about to lay into people posting well composed pictures of their brunch because I honestly LOVE that shit, the only time this would ever offend me is if there wasn’t a generous spread of avocado on the avocado toast. *Adds avocado to shopping list*. *Searches ASOS for avocado pun t-shirts*.
I digress… What I mean, is that Instagram for me can feel quite alienating and is a real trigger for my anxiety. And it’s no surprise, what with many, if not all creative or freelance careers now depending on a strong social media presence. As a consequence, we’re under pressure to put our best foot forward and share pictures of ourselves in this constant, and often fake state of positivity. It’s exhausting.
I recently read ‘Reasons To Stay Alive’ by the brilliant Matt Haig and I had to share this because it’s something that really made me think and has stuck with me;
Anxiety, even more than depression, can be exacerbated by the way we live in the twenty-first century. By the things that surround us. Smartphones. Advertising (I think of a great David Foster Wallace line – ‘it did what all ads are supposed to do: create an anxiety relievable by purchase’). Twitter followers. Facebook likes. Instagram. Information overload. Unanswered emails. Dating apps. War. The rapid evolution of technology. Urban planning. The changing climate. Overcrowded public transport. Articles on the ‘post-antibiotic age’. Photoshopped cover models. Google-induced hypochondria. Infinite choice (‘anxiety is the dizziness of freedom’ – Soren Kierkegaard). Online shopping. The should-we-eat-butter? Debate. Atomised living. All those American TV dramas we should have watched. All those prize-winning books we should have read. All those pop stars we haven’t heard of. All that lacking we are made to feel. Instant gratification. Constant distraction. Work work work. Twenty-four-hour everything.
Mental health didn’t become an issue overnight and it isn’t a trendy millenial fad. From an evolutionary perspective, we just can no longer keep up or even cope with the demands of the modern world. It’s suffocating because there feels like there is no escape from having to appear ok 24/7. Most of us probably check our phones before we even get out of bed in the morning. We flood our brains with notifications and messages and stressors before we even start the day. And the progression of all of this technology has surpassed our brain’s capabilities to adapt and evolve.
When I say I go through phases with Instagram, I mean I’ll just not want to post or check on it for weeks on end, over Christmas I deleted the app for almost a month. It was a well overdue detox. But then eventually I re-realised that Instagram is just how you get booked or noticed as a model now; if you’re not interesting then clients aren’t interested. And frankly how else am I going to fund my overpriced gym membership and the aforementioned avocado obsession. And so I took back my judgey that is Instagram, and once again I entered the popularity contest and madly refreshed my notifications in a needy quest for likes. And I KNOW that I’m not the only anxiety-ridden, overthinking one out there because I’ve seen this from friends with a private account and a close following to some of the most successful influencers with mad intimidating followings. We all share insecurities and place a certain amount of self-worth on social media validation, whether we realise that we do or not. If there’s some kind of robot out there who feels in no way affected by social media and cannot even remotely comprehend what the f I’m talking about, then I absolutely NEED to hear from you. You little dalek you.
As much as I love the online ‘body positive’ community, I do also think that even that in itself can be quite a daunting space. Honestly, I can’t get enough of all that self love out there… Except on the lately not-so-rare occasion that I really can get enough of it, and I find myself needing to take a step back, breathe, and not feel like a terrible person for a second for sometimes feeling negative and not always being happy and wholly confident. It almost makes me feel guilty or wrong at the times when I don’t want to get up and ‘seize the day!’ or I don’t fully ‘believe in my future self’. On those days I couldn’t open up Instagram and upload a jolly photo with an attempt at a sassy caption (Is ‘Happy Hump-Day’ a thing we’re still doing? Is that cool? What about ‘Happy Friday!’?? Where do we stand on emoji usage? Did they actually ever invent Mary Berry emojis? I got really hyped about that, she’s such a wonderfully expressive woman). I personally am not a very competitive person, I sometimes actually really annoy myself by shrinking in the presence of people who are; I seem to wilt rather than rise to the challenge. Now, that’s not to say I’m not ambitious or motivated, but I generally prefer to keep that to myself perhaps out of fear that I don’t match up to these people, or maybe that’s just part of my personality, I’m not sure. But I do find it goes hand in hand with anxiety; a fear of what someone else thinks of my chances of accomplishing those goals or succeeding in my hopes and dreams. I remember when I was younger all I ever wanted was to grow up and become an actor. I love theatre, film, a good tv drama, anything, and I wanted nothing more than that to be someone who was involved in bringing that to life. However, it took me until the age of 17 to even join a drama group. I’d been having one on one lessons for years but I was so embarrassed of anyone finding out what I wanted to do that I couldn’t bring myself to admit this love to anyone I wasn’t extremely close to. I found myself comparing myself to other drama lovers in my school and I was intimidated rather than motivated by their talent and confidence. When I eventually did join a drama group, I also auditioned for the school play and told my parents I would be applying to Drama Colleges instead of university. When I made that decision I was SO frustrated with myself for not doing it sooner, I was devastated that I’d wasted years fearing judgement when in actual fact nobody cares! Like at all. The most people said to me was ‘oh I had no idea you were into theatre’. I’d wasted all that time for nothing! Basically, for everyone reading this that constantly berates themselves thinking they’re being judged incessantly or that people are sitting there on social media waiting for you to fail, that’s almost definitely not the case, these people probably have their own lives to worry about. They probably don’t even care if you want to be a bloody astronaut, they would probably be like ‘oh yeah good for you! Like personally I’m claustrophobic af and that sounds like hell, but enjoy and tell us what kind of cheese the moon’s made of’. To summarise, I try to remember this memory that still sticks with me and aggravates me, when I’m scrolling through Instagram looking at models more successful than me, or people launching brands and really just bossing life. I try not to shrink away from it anymore and let it dampen my own ideas and ambitions. I often find myself procrastinating over projects I’m really passionate about and really want to develop through fear of being ridiculed for it or it not working out. But I’ve been trying really hard recently to check myself and not let those poisonous insecurities creep in. The only thing worse than failing is never trying and then, in time, regretting it, winding yourself up over what could’ve been if it had all worked out.
Social media IS alienating, but you’re not a failure because you’re not yet at the same level as someone you look up to – everyone’s journey is unique and individual to them. No one knows your battles, and your peak self-worth won’t come to fruition through comparing yourself and trying to outdo others. It’s much more important to like the person you are, you don’t need to always love everything about yourself, but if your focus is on being real and a good person for yourself and others, then that’s what matters. Because in reality, there will always be someone outdoing you if that’s how you choose to look at it, be your own person with your own identity, your own journey and your own stories to tell. You are a stand alone human, unlike any other in existence. Actually today in my yoga class, we were settling into savasana and our teacher talked about showing gratitude for being alive, for being born, for being blessed with life, how important and special that makes us as individuals and how valuable our lives are.
Some people tragically can’t see the value of their own life and for someone to reach the point of feeling a complete inability to wake up to another day is heartbreaking. It’s also terrifying because I’ve been there and when I reflect on those periods the person I see is so detached from the person I actually am. We need to do more to be kind to ourselves, to others and to hold ourselves higher than the amount of likes we get on a picture, or how good we look in a bikini, these relentless vapid thoughts do not define our worth, and if we continue to allow them to affect us then surely we’ll all go mad as we end up manifesting an impossible standard for ourselves to live up to.
Have a beautiful week and at some point remember to take 5 to put your phone down and soak up some beauty in what’s actually going on around you without feeling the immediate intention to share it all on social media.
We Only Get One Body 